Posted by
Sam Heath on Friday, February 16, 2007 5:32:53 PM
February 13, 2007
The Weedpatch Gazette
ANN
In Ann’s case, as with so many women I have known, the music, the love letters and flowers are probably missing in her present relationship. The growing hurt of this loss, a loss such women as Ann recognize in their lives, may follow a course of growing resentment, and finally, the death of the relationship; a senseless loss for both Ann and her boyfriend. In many cases, romance requires women to pay attention to things like weight control, to their appearance and mannerisms, their language and the showing of their appreciation for things like fixing the car or washing machine. It is just too easy for both men and women to begin to take such things for granted and, consequently, taking each other for granted.
Valentine’s Day is nearly here as I write and I wonder how many women will receive the attention they should get on this day? How many relationships will be encouraged by this day in honor of real lovers? I wonder. I hope women like Ann will find their desires fulfilled by such acknowledgment from the men in their lives. But women like Ann know that in spite of the commercialism of the day, in spite of the flowery cards and letters, nothing will take the place of genuine love and romance, of that cherishing that is proved by living it the other 364 days of the year.
I can hardly fault other men for not listening to women unless I make a conscientious effort to get their point of view myself. That this leads to some interesting things in my life comes with the territory. Unhappily, women are not used to being asked by men for their point of view. And, when asked, are understandably reluctant to say what they really want to say or have great difficulty articulating those things for any number of legitimate reasons. A primary reason being the fact that women have seldom been taken seriously by men when it comes to philosophy. Yet, philosophy fails by not taking women seriously.
As I just wrote a dear lady friend we believe things on a multiple of levels, but prioritizing them requires study and meditating on these things. We cannot anticipate what may change the way we think about some things, but The Great Conversation has to do with exchange of ideas and sharing not only thoughts but discoveries. When anyone thinks of Philosophy there is no female Socrates, Confucius, Locke, Hume, or Bacon leaping to people’s minds. Historically, women in general were not to be educated on the same level as men. It was not until very recently women had any voice or opportunity in the schools and society at all, and at that only in the most advanced and enlightened cultures.
That women have had some outstanding role models, women of real courage in leading the way is a relatively recent phenomenon in academia and elsewhere. This is what made “To Kill A Mockingbird” so vitally important to women. Unfortunately men were quicker to see the threat it posed to them than women were to understand the possibilities. And it is easy for me to understand Harper Lee’s profound disappointment that this should be the case. I hope those like the new president of Harvard will understand and take the initiative in promoting what women really need to do in order to become part of The Great Conversation, but it is a faint hope such will prove to be the case. Too often the prejudices of women against men, rightly deserved or not, remove them from the process required for true philosophical speculation leading to new ways of thinking about things and putting their ideas into the required systematic organization of their thoughts.
But there is one area where women could make a very needed contribution to the body of knowledge and that is the subject of romance. However, it is not a subject that lends itself readily to the stringent requirements a systematic organization of thought required of the King of Disciplines.
Concerning philosophy and the paucity of contributions by women there is always the possibility of doing a solo when the music requires a duet; in this respect men like Soren Kierkegaard come immediately to mind. He, as with many like him, wrote a great deal about marriage, love and romance. But he did a solo when the music required a duet. And, lacking any real, pragmatic and empirical knowledge and experience of the subject, the “music” intended results in nothing but pontifical, egotistical noise. And this leads to a major factor in the problem between men and women: Romance. I write a great deal about this and my book “Birds With Broken Wings” is a romance book; but it is factual, not fiction. And it is a graphic representation of that rule of writing: The difference between Reality and Fiction is that fiction has to make sense. The difficulty can be understood by the following excerpt from the book.
I was at the Club the other evening with my good friend Larry when she walked in. I’ll call her Ann. She is a beautiful, vivacious, petite woman with dark hair and eyes that a man could drown in. Seeing me at the bar, she took a seat next to me. We were delighted to see each other. We have known each other for quite some time but have never dated because she has a boyfriend. Yet, from the moment we first met there has been something between us. For some reason, Ann was willing to talk openly about this. The music was playing and we decided to dance. She was wonderful to hold. Soft, warm and sweet-scented as a woman should be, so small the top of her head barely reaching my chin she moved closer into my arms as we danced. Magic!
Then, a remarkable thing. As we move slowly and gently to the music in a warm embrace, she says, “Sam, I can’t give you what you want. But we can have this as a compromise, can’t we?” It hit me full-blown! I knew what was missing between Ann and her boyfriend, what that something was between us: Romance!
Ann has a need, as do all men and women, for romance in her life. She is an honest woman and would never betray. In that honesty she says, “Sam, I’m sorry for using you.” She is trying to tell me that she intends to be faithful to the boyfriend, and yet she wants and desperately needs that romance in her life, the romance that he is failing to provide in the relationship. It is such a tragic, familiar story. It is the reason for the phenomenal growth of romance novels among women as they seek to feed their impoverished hearts and souls.
We continued to dance, holding each other tightly, both of us needing someone to fill that void in our lives that sex alone will never satisfy. Ann, like all women, was made to be the music, poetry and inspiration in the right man’s life. And that right man should fill her need for the romance she deserves in her life, that part of romance that is the responsibility of such a man.
I ask myself the all too familiar question of why the right man and woman have always had such a seemingly impossible task in finding each other? But I have to remind myself that it takes two artists working together to make it happen and keep it alive. I know Ann needs the music in her life, I tell her she has the music in her and I feel it as we move together in an embrace. Her whole body responds to the music and it is magic, a magic that we both realize is working in us together in each other’s arms.
Ann finally has to leave. But it is difficult for her to go, leaving such magic and go home to what? If I could only get the message to her boyfriend (and all the men out there of whom he is all too typical) that he better get his priorities straight, he better start showing his appreciation for the undiscovered treasure of such a wonderful woman like Ann.
That graveyard of shattered dreams of love and romance seems never to be filled. Yet women like Ann, with so much love to give, wanting and needing to give that love, seem never to have this love nourished and tended like the garden of delight she represents. Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times and be thou ravished always with her love (Proverbs 5:19) is a message lost to the majority of men.
It cannot be legitimately denied women need, desperately, to be the softness and gentleness, the virtuousness men need to inspire romance. But we live in a violent world and society that is the antithesis of such things, and women are made to be hard and tough in areas where women were never intended to be so. American society is teaching women they should be competitive and combative in regard to men, rather than striving for the compatibility of differences.
While it isn’t very romantic, there is another common part of the problem of which the following story is all too typical as well; that exemplifies a failed American society that encourages permissive sex and the resulting babies without accountability. I was sitting in the living room of a beautiful young woman. She has three, small children and no husband. The ubiquitous tube as baby sitter was not working properly. A real cause of concern when you are trapped in a low-rent apartment complex.
A vicious chain of circumstances has robbed her of transportation. A common problem with the poor. When California passed the law requiring insurance for motorists to renew their driver’s licenses she had been cited for not having such. Nor, like most people in her circumstances, could she afford it. And while there is no excuse for people driving without insurance and the responsible are made to pick up the tab for irresponsible uninsured drivers, this is the system we are forced by politicians to live with.
Her failure to provide proof of insurance resulted in the suspension of her license. She later got pulled over and the outstanding citation resulted in her car being impounded. It would cost her over $800 to get it back, an impossible sum of money. And the old junker isn’t worth it. As a result, like so many others she loses her car and cannot get her license renewed. With the care of the children, she has to prevail on others to go anywhere like shopping at the grocery store. This makes her especially vulnerable to predatory men who will take advantage of women and their welfare checks.
This lovely girl has only one outlet for entertainment, for some escape from the hopelessness of her situation. The local bar across the street. Here she knows and meets others in similar circumstances. She can play pool and visit. For a quarter, she can attempt to get a stuffed toy from the toy machine. And she has become adept at doing so. This enables her to give the children something when she returns; though she understands what they really need is a father.
The leadership of our nation, the leaders in churches should spend some time in the bars frequented by people like this young woman. Until they have observed and talked to such people, until they have listened to the music and danced in such places, until they have heard the tragic stories first hand, they will never understand the real needs of the people they are elected and sworn to serve.
Insane laws such as those of drugs and prostitution making criminals of otherwise law abiding citizens are to blame in many cases for the desperate situations many of the poor find themselves in. An insane society that demands virtue without virtuous leadership is to blame for welfare and prisons being growth industries. But if money alone could buy happiness, could buy real romance there wouldn’t be any Anna Nicole Smiths.
So, to repeat, women have a real but untapped contribution to make to the King of Disciplines; but it cannot be based on competition and combativeness with men, but on their own distinctiveness as the other half of humankind, the softer and gentler half of humankind that more than just a contribution to Philosophy will be a contribution to Wisdom.